I don't want to play with you. Ever, ever, ever.

I'm sitting at the computer, in the dark, watching, or attempting to watch, The Shining. Through the little gap between my fingers.

F is for failure.

RE: title of the blog. F is for failure.
F is also for Funny. Food. Fiasco. Fly. Figure skater. Floosy. Fork. Finger nail. Foto. Who am I kidding. It's also for F#$K. As in ____. I have failed my first semester of uni.

I have way too much shit and clutter in my room which I am sure has clouded my mind and ability to function properly, greatly influencing the fact that I am failing.
I never make my bed, and so feel compelled to fall into periodically through the day for a nap or just to lay back under the covers and watch more useless television series and movies I've downloaded off Aliance. I know for a fact this is a contributing factor as to why I am failing.
I am completely disorganised, despite having a calender on my phone and to-do lists of up to 10 items sitting on the home screen, silently reminding me that I, obviously, have things to do. Sometimes I even program alerts which I quickly shut off for fear of all that I have to do slowly creeping up on me.

I have three diaries. Yes, 3. All of them have the same things in there, assessment dates, times of lectures and tutorials, work to be done, lists to be crossed off, and it just doesn't help. Sure I can categorize my time in theory, just not so much in practice. Another reason I'm failing.
So, I am a list maker. This is my demise. No one can make a list better than me. I have a knack for it. I had a list on my wall up until a couple of weeks ago. It stared at me for months, as it continued to grow, omniously, until the ratio of ticks to empty boxes threw me over the edge and I realised lists are pointless unless it's possible to actually to do them. I couldn't. Fail.

I am the biggest procrastinator. This needs no explaination and as such is a fail.
A [P+] doesn't matter when it's 12 days late, at 2% a day. Fail.
Excuses don't work. Ever. I make excuses; I am an excuse maker. If I don't have something legit to lean on, I will make something up, despite the fact that I can't substanciate it. F.
I am unnervingly accepting of my predicament. I have ceased to care. Which is very worrying, and cheif amoung the many reasons why I am failing.

So really this blog is to account for the fact that I stand for F. I'm not really sure what to do with this realisation as yet. I have meetings to attend to talk about my 'options', people to bullshit, bullshit to bullshit, myself to bullshit because as much as I can blame my problems on everything else, the fact is, the reason I am a failure is me.

F is also for future. I'm not sure what to expect. F is also for fool. That I am.

Tweet tweet.

I have never had the urge to write the minute to minute goings on of my life, until I found twitter.

I don’t know what the fascination is with writing about what you’re doing. Maybe it’s that you have an audience; that someone out there thinks what you are doing is interesting enough to follow. Maybe it’s just that you now have the excuse to excessively write about yourself and it’s okay cos everybody’s doing it.

Either way, enjoying it.

Realisations realised a little too late

realisation
noun
1. coming to understand something clearly and distinctly
2. making real or giving the appearance of reality
3. something that is made real or concrete


* Thanks, dictionary.com


Sometimes realisation is a great thing. When something hits you, BAM, and suddenly the pieces come together; something makes sense to you. I swear there is even a facial expression that goes hand in hand, the “Ohhh” or a nod, or in my case normally a furrowed brow, followed by a laugh, because I normally miss the point on many occasions.

Then there is another type of realisation. This realisation dawns quickly, the same as above, but doesn’t have that same “oh, silly me” feeling accompanying it. “Oh silly me, they said this but meant that” sort of feeling.I remember in Year 12, in Extension English we had to do a 10 minute presentation on a text of our choosing. I did Othello. So I always tried to work really hard in that class. My teacher didn’t like me very much and never thought I could live up to my “potential”. So I slaved away at this presentation for weeks, and finally came to day to lay it all out. Unfortunetly for me, as I started reading, a horrible feeling dawned over me. The feeling of realisation. That I had completely missed the point of the question I was meant to be answering. Sure, I had a great speech, with some great points, good use of technical language, and a thorough knowlege of the text, but somehow I had missed the big picture, become too involved in what I was trying to do and failed to do what I was meant to. I remember pausing, and sighing, and thinking “It’s probably not worth going on”, about 3 minutes into the speech.

3 minutes isn’t a very long time, it’s not the quick and witty SNAP of realisation, when someone is watching you to ‘get’ something that may have been said, this one was a little more internal, felt in the pit of my stomach.Yesterday I had a similar realisation, that although I had felt it in my stomach for a while, it finally hit home today.It took me nearly 3 months for the realisation to hit that I have completely screwed my first semester of uni.

So I took a year off last year, after having completed the HSC, to work. That meant, for me, doing noththing more than bagging groceries for a year, and letting my mind wander around in the process. Lassoing it back in, and trying to train it back into study mode has been near impossible. I have a short attention span, I’m a procrastinator, I’m lazy, and I have a million reasons why something can’t work, instead of finding a way to make it work. I’d missed more than half my lectures and tutorials due to being sick, for the majority of my subjects, and was feeling apathetic to say the least towards my degree. I was so far behind, I was finding it impossible to catch up whilst simultaneously trying to keep up.

But today, while completing a media proposal that was actually due 10 days ago (and I found this out, 10 days ago) I had a really great realisation. I realised I actually liked what I was doing. I caught up on a few more lectures I needed for the proposal, and as I summarised my notes, I realised I knew what I was talking about. Suddenly, I felt a bit better. Suddenly, I realised that this is the way it could have been, from day one, point A.

Realisations realised, too little too late.