I was thinking about my life, as somewhat like a photobooth. People come and go, some good memories are made, and are gone. Alot of the time, there isn't much evidence to show, unless someone leaves a film strip behind. As for the memories, times passes, things change, and what was once cherished is slowly replaced by new realities. I guess people get old, photos get older, and things can't stay picture perfect.
I'm back in Sydney, and eager to leave my shoebox. I'm relocating to Randwick in the next couple of weeks, and I'm sure there will be more to say in that time. I'm really excited to have my own place. No so excited to be moving into a cat's territory. I mean, my to-be flatmate has a cat. They scare me. Lol.
Anyway. Exam is on Tuesday, eek. Then I am done, half a year gone. A film strip left behind on the wall of my photobooth. I might just have to get rid of this one memory, looking for a clean slate and a fresh start. By the sea.
Sunday, June 14, 2009
Friday, June 5, 2009
Is there anybody out there?
Today I was walking through the park alone, powering on, to walk to the other side of town. I was really deep in thought until I noticed birds chattering closeby. I looked up, slowed down, and realised how beautiful the park looked. In the transition of green fading and brown replacing, it was chilly, I could hear the fountain trickling, it smelt fresh and clean and I realised that if I hadn't stopped and taken notice, I'd have missed out.
That's how I feel about my life at the moment. I was wasting my time, not stopping to 'smell the roses' and I realised 3 months had gone by like the blink of an eye, and I'd wasted them. So I came back home, and now I'm stumped. I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I didn't know what to do in the first place, and my lack of direction has caused me to fail my first semester of uni, amoung other things.
So, it's re-assessment time. Be nice if someone could just tell me what to do, or convincingly, that everything will be ok. Time will tell!
That's how I feel about my life at the moment. I was wasting my time, not stopping to 'smell the roses' and I realised 3 months had gone by like the blink of an eye, and I'd wasted them. So I came back home, and now I'm stumped. I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I didn't know what to do in the first place, and my lack of direction has caused me to fail my first semester of uni, amoung other things.
So, it's re-assessment time. Be nice if someone could just tell me what to do, or convincingly, that everything will be ok. Time will tell!
Thursday, May 28, 2009
I don't want to play with you. Ever, ever, ever.
I'm sitting at the computer, in the dark, watching, or attempting to watch, The Shining. Through the little gap between my fingers.Wednesday, May 27, 2009
F is for failure.
RE: title of the blog. F is for failure.
F is also for Funny. Food. Fiasco. Fly. Figure skater. Floosy. Fork. Finger nail. Foto. Who am I kidding. It's also for F#$K. As in ____. I have failed my first semester of uni.
I have way too much shit and clutter in my room which I am sure has clouded my mind and ability to function properly, greatly influencing the fact that I am failing.
I never make my bed, and so feel compelled to fall into periodically through the day for a nap or just to lay back under the covers and watch more useless television series and movies I've downloaded off Aliance. I know for a fact this is a contributing factor as to why I am failing.
I am completely disorganised, despite having a calender on my phone and to-do lists of up to 10 items sitting on the home screen, silently reminding me that I, obviously, have things to do. Sometimes I even program alerts which I quickly shut off for fear of all that I have to do slowly creeping up on me.
I have three diaries. Yes, 3. All of them have the same things in there, assessment dates, times of lectures and tutorials, work to be done, lists to be crossed off, and it just doesn't help. Sure I can categorize my time in theory, just not so much in practice. Another reason I'm failing.
So, I am a list maker. This is my demise. No one can make a list better than me. I have a knack for it. I had a list on my wall up until a couple of weeks ago. It stared at me for months, as it continued to grow, omniously, until the ratio of ticks to empty boxes threw me over the edge and I realised lists are pointless unless it's possible to actually to do them. I couldn't. Fail.
I am the biggest procrastinator. This needs no explaination and as such is a fail.
A [P+] doesn't matter when it's 12 days late, at 2% a day. Fail.
Excuses don't work. Ever. I make excuses; I am an excuse maker. If I don't have something legit to lean on, I will make something up, despite the fact that I can't substanciate it. F.
I am unnervingly accepting of my predicament. I have ceased to care. Which is very worrying, and cheif amoung the many reasons why I am failing.
So really this blog is to account for the fact that I stand for F. I'm not really sure what to do with this realisation as yet. I have meetings to attend to talk about my 'options', people to bullshit, bullshit to bullshit, myself to bullshit because as much as I can blame my problems on everything else, the fact is, the reason I am a failure is me.
F is also for future. I'm not sure what to expect. F is also for fool. That I am.
F is also for Funny. Food. Fiasco. Fly. Figure skater. Floosy. Fork. Finger nail. Foto. Who am I kidding. It's also for F#$K. As in ____. I have failed my first semester of uni.
I have way too much shit and clutter in my room which I am sure has clouded my mind and ability to function properly, greatly influencing the fact that I am failing.
I never make my bed, and so feel compelled to fall into periodically through the day for a nap or just to lay back under the covers and watch more useless television series and movies I've downloaded off Aliance. I know for a fact this is a contributing factor as to why I am failing.
I am completely disorganised, despite having a calender on my phone and to-do lists of up to 10 items sitting on the home screen, silently reminding me that I, obviously, have things to do. Sometimes I even program alerts which I quickly shut off for fear of all that I have to do slowly creeping up on me.
I have three diaries. Yes, 3. All of them have the same things in there, assessment dates, times of lectures and tutorials, work to be done, lists to be crossed off, and it just doesn't help. Sure I can categorize my time in theory, just not so much in practice. Another reason I'm failing.
So, I am a list maker. This is my demise. No one can make a list better than me. I have a knack for it. I had a list on my wall up until a couple of weeks ago. It stared at me for months, as it continued to grow, omniously, until the ratio of ticks to empty boxes threw me over the edge and I realised lists are pointless unless it's possible to actually to do them. I couldn't. Fail.
I am the biggest procrastinator. This needs no explaination and as such is a fail.
A [P+] doesn't matter when it's 12 days late, at 2% a day. Fail.
Excuses don't work. Ever. I make excuses; I am an excuse maker. If I don't have something legit to lean on, I will make something up, despite the fact that I can't substanciate it. F.
I am unnervingly accepting of my predicament. I have ceased to care. Which is very worrying, and cheif amoung the many reasons why I am failing.
So really this blog is to account for the fact that I stand for F. I'm not really sure what to do with this realisation as yet. I have meetings to attend to talk about my 'options', people to bullshit, bullshit to bullshit, myself to bullshit because as much as I can blame my problems on everything else, the fact is, the reason I am a failure is me.
F is also for future. I'm not sure what to expect. F is also for fool. That I am.
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Tweet tweet.
I have never had the urge to write the minute to minute goings on of my life, until I found twitter.
I don’t know what the fascination is with writing about what you’re doing. Maybe it’s that you have an audience; that someone out there thinks what you are doing is interesting enough to follow. Maybe it’s just that you now have the excuse to excessively write about yourself and it’s okay cos everybody’s doing it.
Either way, enjoying it.
Monday, May 11, 2009
Realisations realised a little too late
realisation
noun
1. coming to understand something clearly and distinctly
2. making real or giving the appearance of reality
3. something that is made real or concrete
* Thanks, dictionary.com
Sometimes realisation is a great thing. When something hits you, BAM, and suddenly the pieces come together; something makes sense to you. I swear there is even a facial expression that goes hand in hand, the “Ohhh” or a nod, or in my case normally a furrowed brow, followed by a laugh, because I normally miss the point on many occasions.
Then there is another type of realisation. This realisation dawns quickly, the same as above, but doesn’t have that same “oh, silly me” feeling accompanying it. “Oh silly me, they said this but meant that” sort of feeling.I remember in Year 12, in Extension English we had to do a 10 minute presentation on a text of our choosing. I did Othello. So I always tried to work really hard in that class. My teacher didn’t like me very much and never thought I could live up to my “potential”. So I slaved away at this presentation for weeks, and finally came to day to lay it all out. Unfortunetly for me, as I started reading, a horrible feeling dawned over me. The feeling of realisation. That I had completely missed the point of the question I was meant to be answering. Sure, I had a great speech, with some great points, good use of technical language, and a thorough knowlege of the text, but somehow I had missed the big picture, become too involved in what I was trying to do and failed to do what I was meant to. I remember pausing, and sighing, and thinking “It’s probably not worth going on”, about 3 minutes into the speech.
3 minutes isn’t a very long time, it’s not the quick and witty SNAP of realisation, when someone is watching you to ‘get’ something that may have been said, this one was a little more internal, felt in the pit of my stomach.Yesterday I had a similar realisation, that although I had felt it in my stomach for a while, it finally hit home today.It took me nearly 3 months for the realisation to hit that I have completely screwed my first semester of uni.
So I took a year off last year, after having completed the HSC, to work. That meant, for me, doing noththing more than bagging groceries for a year, and letting my mind wander around in the process. Lassoing it back in, and trying to train it back into study mode has been near impossible. I have a short attention span, I’m a procrastinator, I’m lazy, and I have a million reasons why something can’t work, instead of finding a way to make it work. I’d missed more than half my lectures and tutorials due to being sick, for the majority of my subjects, and was feeling apathetic to say the least towards my degree. I was so far behind, I was finding it impossible to catch up whilst simultaneously trying to keep up.
But today, while completing a media proposal that was actually due 10 days ago (and I found this out, 10 days ago) I had a really great realisation. I realised I actually liked what I was doing. I caught up on a few more lectures I needed for the proposal, and as I summarised my notes, I realised I knew what I was talking about. Suddenly, I felt a bit better. Suddenly, I realised that this is the way it could have been, from day one, point A.
Realisations realised, too little too late.
noun
1. coming to understand something clearly and distinctly
2. making real or giving the appearance of reality
3. something that is made real or concrete
* Thanks, dictionary.com
Sometimes realisation is a great thing. When something hits you, BAM, and suddenly the pieces come together; something makes sense to you. I swear there is even a facial expression that goes hand in hand, the “Ohhh” or a nod, or in my case normally a furrowed brow, followed by a laugh, because I normally miss the point on many occasions.
Then there is another type of realisation. This realisation dawns quickly, the same as above, but doesn’t have that same “oh, silly me” feeling accompanying it. “Oh silly me, they said this but meant that” sort of feeling.I remember in Year 12, in Extension English we had to do a 10 minute presentation on a text of our choosing. I did Othello. So I always tried to work really hard in that class. My teacher didn’t like me very much and never thought I could live up to my “potential”. So I slaved away at this presentation for weeks, and finally came to day to lay it all out. Unfortunetly for me, as I started reading, a horrible feeling dawned over me. The feeling of realisation. That I had completely missed the point of the question I was meant to be answering. Sure, I had a great speech, with some great points, good use of technical language, and a thorough knowlege of the text, but somehow I had missed the big picture, become too involved in what I was trying to do and failed to do what I was meant to. I remember pausing, and sighing, and thinking “It’s probably not worth going on”, about 3 minutes into the speech.
3 minutes isn’t a very long time, it’s not the quick and witty SNAP of realisation, when someone is watching you to ‘get’ something that may have been said, this one was a little more internal, felt in the pit of my stomach.Yesterday I had a similar realisation, that although I had felt it in my stomach for a while, it finally hit home today.It took me nearly 3 months for the realisation to hit that I have completely screwed my first semester of uni.
So I took a year off last year, after having completed the HSC, to work. That meant, for me, doing noththing more than bagging groceries for a year, and letting my mind wander around in the process. Lassoing it back in, and trying to train it back into study mode has been near impossible. I have a short attention span, I’m a procrastinator, I’m lazy, and I have a million reasons why something can’t work, instead of finding a way to make it work. I’d missed more than half my lectures and tutorials due to being sick, for the majority of my subjects, and was feeling apathetic to say the least towards my degree. I was so far behind, I was finding it impossible to catch up whilst simultaneously trying to keep up.
But today, while completing a media proposal that was actually due 10 days ago (and I found this out, 10 days ago) I had a really great realisation. I realised I actually liked what I was doing. I caught up on a few more lectures I needed for the proposal, and as I summarised my notes, I realised I knew what I was talking about. Suddenly, I felt a bit better. Suddenly, I realised that this is the way it could have been, from day one, point A.
Realisations realised, too little too late.
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Thanks Kevin.
So, I'm sitting at my computer, with my vodka and orange juice and days worth of shopping bags, proudly surrounding me. No thanks to Kevin Rudd. As from today, electronically the stimulus packages (in my case $950) were beginning to filter into people's accounts, in the hope of "boosting the economy" - financial crisis and all. I'm happy to say I've done some of my part for the economy, having had a very nice afternoon out spending my (yet to be received) bonus.
I'm also rather chuffed as it's the first time in ages that I haven't felt guilty after a shopping spree. Maybe it's because I think I'm spending someone elses money. I guess in a way I am. Money I'd not otherwise have and what not.
Downside? I still haven't completed my assessment that was due yesterday (I've already said bye bye to 2 marks). I have a 500 word paper for Athropology&Sociology due Thursday, as well as a 1000 word close reading assessment for English on, my favourite, poetry. Fantastic .
Maybe I'll work better after having had a few drinks. At the moment I couldn't bear to start opening books and writing. Can you ever be in the right mood to do something you don't want to do? I guess not.
I also figure I better catch up on my 4 weeks worth of blogging for Media. I swear univerisity hasn't really taken off the way I thought it would. I am so far behind. I've missed the greater majority of my lectures and tutorials due to being sick, and do not have enough hours in the day let alone the week to catch up let alone continue trying to keep up.
Fighting a loosing battle. I'm sure that's the expression.
I'm also rather chuffed as it's the first time in ages that I haven't felt guilty after a shopping spree. Maybe it's because I think I'm spending someone elses money. I guess in a way I am. Money I'd not otherwise have and what not.
Downside? I still haven't completed my assessment that was due yesterday (I've already said bye bye to 2 marks). I have a 500 word paper for Athropology&Sociology due Thursday, as well as a 1000 word close reading assessment for English on, my favourite, poetry. Fantastic .
Maybe I'll work better after having had a few drinks. At the moment I couldn't bear to start opening books and writing. Can you ever be in the right mood to do something you don't want to do? I guess not.
I also figure I better catch up on my 4 weeks worth of blogging for Media. I swear univerisity hasn't really taken off the way I thought it would. I am so far behind. I've missed the greater majority of my lectures and tutorials due to being sick, and do not have enough hours in the day let alone the week to catch up let alone continue trying to keep up.
Fighting a loosing battle. I'm sure that's the expression.
Friday, March 13, 2009
Another Friday Night
So, as the title suggests it's just another Friday night. In, that is. I've ditched the straighter, manic outfit finding madness and my mandatory pre-drink bottle of vodka for a few quiet ones and some underbelly at 'home'.
So, Sydney Updates. All is going well! I'm settling in, attempting to keep on top of my uni work and liking having something to do with myself, even if it is perversely difficult. Emma's house mate are having a huge street party, flyers and all, tomorrow night so heading in to Newtown to help her out with getting ready early tomorrow night. I'm a little worried because it may get pretty big, and lots of people are invited, but if all goes to 'plan' it'll be an awesome night for drinking, friends, new people and Bon's bf's Newtown dj'ing debut. Madness to ensue I'm sure!
Anyway I'm not really oin the mood for blogging tonight don't know why I bothered when i don't have much to say but anywho, thats it
Monday, March 9, 2009
sydney, I love you.
So, it's been two weeks since I moved to Sydney and I'm loving it.
I got on college, and it's insane. I think I've drank almost every night for 2 weeks, can't be doing anything good but it's all good fun.
My lectures started yesterday but I didn't go. I know, I'm lazy. But I was acutally sick.
I've caught up already anyhow, and it was good cos I had today off. So went and visited em in newtown, had lunch at sydney uni, met her boyfriend Marty whos fantastic and then went down to coogee to lay on the beach. It was a really top day.
Now I'm attempting to get ready for my "date" with a guy I met at sneakers last friday.
We ended up leaving there are 5am and heading to coogee and watching the sun rise. It was really nice. I'm surprised I followed anything up, and that I'm actually looking forward to this rather than making excuses why I cant meet up. which is what I normally do. So this is something completely new and out of the box for me so hopefully all goes well. I'm having a drink so calm my 'not' nerves so should be okay haha.
So, commencement dinner and to the cross on wednesday, start of session party at uni bar thursday, sneakers friday and the weekend to recover, I swear, sydney is the city that never sleeps.
Loving it.
I got on college, and it's insane. I think I've drank almost every night for 2 weeks, can't be doing anything good but it's all good fun.
My lectures started yesterday but I didn't go. I know, I'm lazy. But I was acutally sick.
I've caught up already anyhow, and it was good cos I had today off. So went and visited em in newtown, had lunch at sydney uni, met her boyfriend Marty whos fantastic and then went down to coogee to lay on the beach. It was a really top day.
Now I'm attempting to get ready for my "date" with a guy I met at sneakers last friday.
We ended up leaving there are 5am and heading to coogee and watching the sun rise. It was really nice. I'm surprised I followed anything up, and that I'm actually looking forward to this rather than making excuses why I cant meet up. which is what I normally do. So this is something completely new and out of the box for me so hopefully all goes well. I'm having a drink so calm my 'not' nerves so should be okay haha.
So, commencement dinner and to the cross on wednesday, start of session party at uni bar thursday, sneakers friday and the weekend to recover, I swear, sydney is the city that never sleeps.
Loving it.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Quickly, quickly
So as the title suggests, this is going to be a quick post as I have a little under 15 minutes to brush my teeth, get my stuff together and walk down to work.
So I got on campus. It's good to have somewhere to live but I'm not so happy about the arragements. And the fact that I'm not considered independant for another 3 months, despite earning over $25,000 in the required period. Centrelink do not make it easy. So, I need to work out a payment plan with my college as I'll be getting about $60 a week/fortnight as a depedendant. Considering my rent is $350, they needent bother, it hardly makes a dent. So, woeful money issues are weighing my 2 day countown till I move to Sydney.
Em moves tomorrow. Not to sure what craziness the weekend holds, with us all finally being down, but we'll see.
Ok, so I really am late now so that's all.
So I got on campus. It's good to have somewhere to live but I'm not so happy about the arragements. And the fact that I'm not considered independant for another 3 months, despite earning over $25,000 in the required period. Centrelink do not make it easy. So, I need to work out a payment plan with my college as I'll be getting about $60 a week/fortnight as a depedendant. Considering my rent is $350, they needent bother, it hardly makes a dent. So, woeful money issues are weighing my 2 day countown till I move to Sydney.
Em moves tomorrow. Not to sure what craziness the weekend holds, with us all finally being down, but we'll see.
Ok, so I really am late now so that's all.
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