FML.

I've been wondering around in the same nightie for 2 days straight now. Oh, I've showered, but back on it went. It's heidously oversized, see-through, which is a problem in itself, and used to be white, but mum managed to turn it to pale pink. Despite this, it feels so nice on, I love it. Seriously, if you don't own a moo moo, which in essence my beautiful nightie is, you need one.

I've also not ventured off the couch for 2 days, except for a tiny bit of houework, not only as I'm on holidays, and I can, but because I'm tired. And I was out the other nioght and fell over and sprained my ankle. Not seriously, I can hobble around, but it's soreeee. And of course, I manage to keep jarring it around no matter how still I try to keep it.

Anyway that's the newest from me.
Although, I went out the other night and managed to disgrace myself in several ways,
I went and bought ciggies from a friend of my mums, and kept yelling at him not to tell mum, because she doesnt know i smoke. I managed to kiss my little brothers best friend, who is nearly 3 years younger. My brother saw me. Kissed one of my best friends who just broke up with his gf, not the first time. the last time was when he was still with said gf. Showed all my guy friends my thighs and yelled about how much bigger they used to be, because I was proud I'd lost a bit of weight off them. And lastly, after a hedious fall on the dancefloor, left with a guy that I think might have been gay. Well, He wasn't sure if he liked girls better than guys. And the last person he'd been with was a guy. I'm not sure how I feel about that.

Anyway in conclusion, alcohol makes messes. Amazing how much different people can be after a few.

Christmas in July

So, first post for July, wowee.

Still in Bathurst, not moving into the new place till the weekend now, as I am completely and utterly unorganised and yet to accumulate any furniture to take down with me.

I was talking at my new flatmate about having a "house warming" of sorts, and then thought it could be fun to have a 'Christmas in July' theme. I have this awesome costume from a christmas party a couple of years ago I could recycle, and I mean who doesn't love dress up parties :)

Anyway that's really it, I think. Oh some goss, I found out the guy I was 'seeing' for the past 3 months was 'seeing' someone else at the same time. Aren't I a lucky girl. I wonder if he'd have told me if I hadn't seen him out with her. On the other hand, I moved on fairly quickly and have found someone I think may actually be interested. I swear, how hard is it to make up your mind?

That's it for today, off to watch some more Supernatch.

Streetlights, glowing..

SO officially off campus as on Sunday, and all my stuff's at the new place - so all thats left to do is furnish. Heading into town with Liss tomorrow to have a look around, need a new bed. And looking for some cool bits and pieces to throw around here and there.
Oh, check out THIS site, really cool. I want one. Or two.

So, that's really all thats occupying me at the moment. The start of everything, about to start. I'm on holidays for 3 weeks. Bonnie won tickets to see Dr. Phil at Acer Arena which is ridiculus. So I'm accompanying her. I've never really watched the show so, should be interesting.

I've been utterly disturbingly addicted to Grey's Anatomy lately, just finishing Season 5.
God that show is depressing, I woke up looking like someone had punched me in the face, my eyes were so puffy. From crying, I mean.

Pitter-pat.

Fear is falling away

So, as an other week closes, so too, does a chapter come to an end.
Well, almost.

I've finalised moving off campus, finalised my new living arrangements, but am yet to finalise my plans for next semester, or rather, my eligability to continue studying next semester.
I won't lie, I'm a little scared. I don't know why, I just don't really want to explain myself or my behaviour the past couple of months to justify why I'm looking for consideration - or trying to get out of summer school. Meh, a few extra months of school, somehow I don't think it will kill me.

So I've been having the weirdest most vivid dreams lately, really spastic and scary lol I'm not going to go into them but I'm pretty sure this room is turning me loopy. Whoever said you can live out of one room is mental! I can't wait to finally have my own place, my own kitchen! A window with a view. Living space. Sigh.

All there is to do now is wait. Pack, and wait. And see what this change will bring for me. I'm ready.

You and me in the photobooth.

I was thinking about my life, as somewhat like a photobooth. People come and go, some good memories are made, and are gone. Alot of the time, there isn't much evidence to show, unless someone leaves a film strip behind. As for the memories, times passes, things change, and what was once cherished is slowly replaced by new realities. I guess people get old, photos get older, and things can't stay picture perfect.

I'm back in Sydney, and eager to leave my shoebox. I'm relocating to Randwick in the next couple of weeks, and I'm sure there will be more to say in that time. I'm really excited to have my own place. No so excited to be moving into a cat's territory. I mean, my to-be flatmate has a cat. They scare me. Lol.

Anyway. Exam is on Tuesday, eek. Then I am done, half a year gone. A film strip left behind on the wall of my photobooth. I might just have to get rid of this one memory, looking for a clean slate and a fresh start. By the sea.

Is there anybody out there?

Today I was walking through the park alone, powering on, to walk to the other side of town. I was really deep in thought until I noticed birds chattering closeby. I looked up, slowed down, and realised how beautiful the park looked. In the transition of green fading and brown replacing, it was chilly, I could hear the fountain trickling, it smelt fresh and clean and I realised that if I hadn't stopped and taken notice, I'd have missed out.

That's how I feel about my life at the moment. I was wasting my time, not stopping to 'smell the roses' and I realised 3 months had gone by like the blink of an eye, and I'd wasted them. So I came back home, and now I'm stumped. I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I didn't know what to do in the first place, and my lack of direction has caused me to fail my first semester of uni, amoung other things.

So, it's re-assessment time. Be nice if someone could just tell me what to do, or convincingly, that everything will be ok. Time will tell!

I don't want to play with you. Ever, ever, ever.

I'm sitting at the computer, in the dark, watching, or attempting to watch, The Shining. Through the little gap between my fingers.

F is for failure.

RE: title of the blog. F is for failure.
F is also for Funny. Food. Fiasco. Fly. Figure skater. Floosy. Fork. Finger nail. Foto. Who am I kidding. It's also for F#$K. As in ____. I have failed my first semester of uni.

I have way too much shit and clutter in my room which I am sure has clouded my mind and ability to function properly, greatly influencing the fact that I am failing.
I never make my bed, and so feel compelled to fall into periodically through the day for a nap or just to lay back under the covers and watch more useless television series and movies I've downloaded off Aliance. I know for a fact this is a contributing factor as to why I am failing.
I am completely disorganised, despite having a calender on my phone and to-do lists of up to 10 items sitting on the home screen, silently reminding me that I, obviously, have things to do. Sometimes I even program alerts which I quickly shut off for fear of all that I have to do slowly creeping up on me.

I have three diaries. Yes, 3. All of them have the same things in there, assessment dates, times of lectures and tutorials, work to be done, lists to be crossed off, and it just doesn't help. Sure I can categorize my time in theory, just not so much in practice. Another reason I'm failing.
So, I am a list maker. This is my demise. No one can make a list better than me. I have a knack for it. I had a list on my wall up until a couple of weeks ago. It stared at me for months, as it continued to grow, omniously, until the ratio of ticks to empty boxes threw me over the edge and I realised lists are pointless unless it's possible to actually to do them. I couldn't. Fail.

I am the biggest procrastinator. This needs no explaination and as such is a fail.
A [P+] doesn't matter when it's 12 days late, at 2% a day. Fail.
Excuses don't work. Ever. I make excuses; I am an excuse maker. If I don't have something legit to lean on, I will make something up, despite the fact that I can't substanciate it. F.
I am unnervingly accepting of my predicament. I have ceased to care. Which is very worrying, and cheif amoung the many reasons why I am failing.

So really this blog is to account for the fact that I stand for F. I'm not really sure what to do with this realisation as yet. I have meetings to attend to talk about my 'options', people to bullshit, bullshit to bullshit, myself to bullshit because as much as I can blame my problems on everything else, the fact is, the reason I am a failure is me.

F is also for future. I'm not sure what to expect. F is also for fool. That I am.

Tweet tweet.

I have never had the urge to write the minute to minute goings on of my life, until I found twitter.

I don’t know what the fascination is with writing about what you’re doing. Maybe it’s that you have an audience; that someone out there thinks what you are doing is interesting enough to follow. Maybe it’s just that you now have the excuse to excessively write about yourself and it’s okay cos everybody’s doing it.

Either way, enjoying it.

Realisations realised a little too late

realisation
noun
1. coming to understand something clearly and distinctly
2. making real or giving the appearance of reality
3. something that is made real or concrete


* Thanks, dictionary.com


Sometimes realisation is a great thing. When something hits you, BAM, and suddenly the pieces come together; something makes sense to you. I swear there is even a facial expression that goes hand in hand, the “Ohhh” or a nod, or in my case normally a furrowed brow, followed by a laugh, because I normally miss the point on many occasions.

Then there is another type of realisation. This realisation dawns quickly, the same as above, but doesn’t have that same “oh, silly me” feeling accompanying it. “Oh silly me, they said this but meant that” sort of feeling.I remember in Year 12, in Extension English we had to do a 10 minute presentation on a text of our choosing. I did Othello. So I always tried to work really hard in that class. My teacher didn’t like me very much and never thought I could live up to my “potential”. So I slaved away at this presentation for weeks, and finally came to day to lay it all out. Unfortunetly for me, as I started reading, a horrible feeling dawned over me. The feeling of realisation. That I had completely missed the point of the question I was meant to be answering. Sure, I had a great speech, with some great points, good use of technical language, and a thorough knowlege of the text, but somehow I had missed the big picture, become too involved in what I was trying to do and failed to do what I was meant to. I remember pausing, and sighing, and thinking “It’s probably not worth going on”, about 3 minutes into the speech.

3 minutes isn’t a very long time, it’s not the quick and witty SNAP of realisation, when someone is watching you to ‘get’ something that may have been said, this one was a little more internal, felt in the pit of my stomach.Yesterday I had a similar realisation, that although I had felt it in my stomach for a while, it finally hit home today.It took me nearly 3 months for the realisation to hit that I have completely screwed my first semester of uni.

So I took a year off last year, after having completed the HSC, to work. That meant, for me, doing noththing more than bagging groceries for a year, and letting my mind wander around in the process. Lassoing it back in, and trying to train it back into study mode has been near impossible. I have a short attention span, I’m a procrastinator, I’m lazy, and I have a million reasons why something can’t work, instead of finding a way to make it work. I’d missed more than half my lectures and tutorials due to being sick, for the majority of my subjects, and was feeling apathetic to say the least towards my degree. I was so far behind, I was finding it impossible to catch up whilst simultaneously trying to keep up.

But today, while completing a media proposal that was actually due 10 days ago (and I found this out, 10 days ago) I had a really great realisation. I realised I actually liked what I was doing. I caught up on a few more lectures I needed for the proposal, and as I summarised my notes, I realised I knew what I was talking about. Suddenly, I felt a bit better. Suddenly, I realised that this is the way it could have been, from day one, point A.

Realisations realised, too little too late.